The Story That Should Never Have Been
by Miss British Teacakes
Summary: Exactly what it sounds like. A spoof of cheesy MarySuisms. I tried to put as many of my peeves in as possible. Now it's just a test to see how far people can go without barfing. SBOC JPLE and a surprise pairing. Not sure what possessed me to write this.


Note: THIS IS A SPOOF. IF YOU TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY, I MIGHT HAVE TO HURT YOU.

**A Very Cliched Beginning**

It was the beginning of a new year at Hogwarts, and the Marauders were sitting at the table, waiting for the new first years to come in to be sorted. Sirius and James were laughing, Remus was reading a very large book, and Peter was pouting at the long wait to get to food.

The first years filed in, but nobody could help but notice an girl among them that was clearly much older than the others. She was one the most beautiful person that any of them had ever seen. She had long, beautiful, silky, flowing white-blonde hair. Nobody had ever seen eyes like hers, for they were such a shade of brown that they were almost red.

She was the first called up to the sorting hat--"Smith, Callidora."

There was a moment of silence, then the hat shouted "Gryffindor", and she walked nervously over to the Gryffindor table and sat down across next to Remus, who was across from Sirius, and the all four of the Marauders stared at her.

"Hi," Sirius said, giving her a dashing smile and flicking his long black hair over his shoulder. "I'm Sirius Black. This is Remus Lupin, James Potter, and Peter Pettigrew."

The girl blushed shyly, and said, "I'm Callidora Othella Rosita Jaquita Deirbhile Winfry Smith. But you can just call me Callie."

"You obviously aren't a first year," Remus said. "So why...?"

"I'm transferring from America. I'm not sure what my parents will say when they find out that I'm a Gryffindor, though. Their friends advised that Slytherin was best place for a highborn person like myself."

"Highborn?" James asked.

"My family is the oldest and richest family in America. We were originally from Italy, and we have descended from the founders of Rome. We can't date back how far our wizarding lineage runs. But I'm afraid they'll hate me now."

"They can fuck off if they do," Sirius said. The other Marauders noticed that he couldn't take his eyes off her.

Callie smiled shyly.

99

That night, all Sirius could think of was Callie. He thought of her beautiful red-brown orbs and her long, silky hair.

"Callidora..." he whispered, late at night when everyone was able to sleep but him. "Callidora Othella Rosita Jaquita Deibhile Winfry Smith..." He could think of no name more beautiful than that. It tasted like wine on his tongue, sounded like music to his ears.

Finally, he came to terms with the fact that he would not be able to sleep for thinking of her. When he went downstairs, the common room was dark, and quiet. There were a few embers burning in the fireplace, and a few rays of moonlight drifted in the room, but other than that there was no light.

"Hello?" A sweet, melodious voice drifted through the room. "Is someone there."

Sirius recognized the figure immediately. Her hair glowed like the sun in the dark, and her eyes sparkled like stars.

"Callidora..." he said softly. "Why are you down here?"

"I couldn't sleep," she said. "It's just so strange. And please, call me Callie."

"Alright...Callie. Are people treating you alright?"

"Oh yes. Lily Evans and I are already bestest bosom friends," she said with a smile. "And you and _your_ friends are just so wonderful and caring...I just miss home a little."

Sirius sat down next to her, and they started talking. They never seemed to run out of things to say, and they talked until dawn, finally leaving to get dressed.

"You rascal, you," James said when he found out what Sirius had been up to, and attempted to mess Sirius' hair. It never worked anyway...his long ebony locks always fell right back into place.

"Gee..," Peter said. "Sirius might actually have found his true love."

Remus gave a stiff smile and went to take a shower.

99

At breakfast, Callie got a letter from her parents. She gave a grateful smile, and help the letter to her breast. Sirius was desperately jealous of the parchment.

"My parents were disappointed," she said. "But they say they will support me, anyway."

"That's wonderful," Remus said, with a small smile. "It's great that you have such a supporting family."

"Oh yes. They have always treated me like I was their little princess, despite the fact that I could never be that perfect."

"You are, though," Sirius said, adoringly. "I have a confession..."

"Yes?" she said, looking at him with all the angelic innocence of the world.

"I knew from the moment I met you that I loved you," he said. "Now I understand how James feels about Lily Evans."

"Really?" She said, breathlessly. "That's wonderful. To tell the truth, I felt the same way."

Remus got up and stormed off in a huff. Sirius and Callie were too busy snogging to pay much attention to him, though.

Lily Evans caught up with Remus on the way to charms.

"Wow," she said. "Callie is really wonderful. She and Sirius look so happy together...I guess true love does exist."

"Of course," Remus replied coldly.

"Remus...you aren't jealous of Sirius, are you?"

"That's none of your business," he snapped, and ducked into the boy's room.

99

Notes: I'm not sure how much of this I can tolerate writing...I'm gonna try to cut it down to two chapters...really, this is a way to get rid of my writers block and make fun of Mary-suisms. And it has a happy ending—for the fans, that is, not for Callidora Othella Whatever-I-Named-Her Smith.

Let's see how far you (and I) get before barfing...


End file.
